saturday, august 5

•••    a long time ago I promised I would update my page about me, but I couldn't quite figure out what to update it with. I feel like I've already spent so much time talking about myself on my other website (which also needs to be updated, even more desperately) and I don't like repeating myself. at least not any more than is sometimes necessary. :)

anyway, I figured it out. I still can't find a picture where I'm smiling, but I did find a picture where my hair looks funny and I decided that was good enough. it's from the very end of the spring semester. it's blurry because my camera is barely more than a toy and it can't focus at arm's length. (I am way too shy to let people take pictures of me all by myself unless I'm doing something silly.) and I did decide what to write about, finally. here you are: in which rabi explains her name (and other, much less important, factoids).
10:01 PM +

•••    today's weather is unconditionally gorgeous for the first time since I've been home - sunny, warm, breezy and beautiful. I don't know where the humidity disappeared to, but I hope it's having a good time wherever it is. it's so pretty out that I was inspired to get my slugabed self away from the computer and outside into the garden. (I have been really lazy all week thanks to the virus wreaking havoc on my lungs... I feel pretty damn good right now but I still get out of breath going up stairs.) I accidentally gave myself a shower with the sprinkler (I'm sure the flowers don't appreciate what we go through for them ;) and picked a handful of golden cherry tomatoes. who knew perfection was two centimeters in diameter?

now that I've been outside I don't want to come back in, even though there is way more stuff that needs to be done in here than out there. the house is sort of a mess, and if it's still like this tomorrow when my mother gets back she's going to hold me responsible. not because I'm messy, because I'm the only person in this family besides her who even attempts to keep things neat. I'm nowhere near as diligent as she is about picking up after other people though. as long as I can go to my room and shut the door I don't care that there are crumbs and dirty dishes all over the kitchen, dirty laundry in all the bathroom corners, and old newspapers, empty beer bottles and licked-out catfood cans strewn throughout the rest of the house. (hmm. it's not that disgusting, really. my family isn't a bunch of slobs. they just don't pick anything up, ever - the mess is more clutter than anything else. except for the catfood cans, they really are disgusting.)

anyway, the cavies need new pine and hay bedding, so I'm using that as an excuse to go for a walk. see, it is possible to be practical and responsible but still indulge yourself a little. of course, the lovely weather makes it easier than usual. :)
3:59 PM +

•••    I get some weird stuff in my inbox sometimes: stinkyfeet. this guy lives in my city, by the way.
2:36 PM +

•••    since I can't seem to shut up about politics and informed choices, let me point out the candidate selector. it's a bit simplistic, but it is fun - and it gives you a quick and easy way to compare your thoughts to the candidates' platforms. just think of it as another one of those personality test survey things.
2:05 AM +

•••    okay, now I get to ramble about my redesign. :)

the pictures on this page are from easter 1983. I was still an only child then, living in manhattan on tenth avenue between west fifty-seventh and fifty-eighth. this is the sidewalk about half a block away from our building. I love this picture in particular - no people in sight except me, all alone with the rain and my reflection.

the picture on the archives page is from summer 1990, about a month before I turned nine. I was at the children's ocean museum in maine. it's another one of my favorite pictures - I like the colors, and I like the way the funny rainhat flaps make my ears look big.

I decided I wanted to redo the look of this site before I had any idea what I wanted to change. (I really loved that old design with the picture of flowers at swarthmore, but it was too problematic in non-ie browsers. you can still visit it if you like - old designs are archived just like old posts. anyway, this new one has minimal css, and is mostly table-based, so I'm hopeful that it will at least render across the board.) the scans of my easter pictures have actually been sitting on my computer for almost two years. they were part of an unused redesign I did of my first website, and since I was feeling vaguely nostalgic thanks to my impending birth anniversary, I decided to drag them out and see what I could do. so here we are. it's plain, but I like it for now. and feedback is always welcome and appreciated. :)

there will be more, soon, on the interior pages. keep checking. I just wanted to post something new before my birthday was over - keeping promises to myself is one of those things that's very important to me.

thank you to all the people who made me feel special today, including those I can't link to. you're wonderful.
1:54 AM +

•••    oh! I have nothing against informed republicans - that is, I am not a conservative (I am part socialist, part anarchist, which is somewhat contradictory I know) but I'm glad everyone in the world doesn't hold the same political views. I just wish more people actually thought about politics. if you want to vote for bush because you agree with the republican platform, go for it. that's the whole point of a democracy, right? what I was attempting to say (not rationally) in that tirade about bush's speech was that a lot of it was in contradiction with his actual stance. (maybe I'm wrong about this, but I don't think so: if someone can explain to me how any of bush's plans are going to "tear down the wall" between poverty and privilege, I would really and truly love to hear it.)

please do vote for the person who best represents your political position. I won't hold it against you. (I will hold it against my grandparents though, who couldn't give me a single good reason why they are voting for bush except for the unqualified "he's a conservative.") I will admit that I don't understand the general republican philosophy, but that's my problem. what I object to is the voter who chooses based a candidate's personality and vapid catchphrases without bothering to pay attention to what lies behind them, and a system that caters to that voter. that is what we got from the republican convention and I don't expect any better from the democrats. I am very much at odds with the current state of american politics.
12:50 AM +

•••    nine hours with my best friend was a veryveryvery good way to spend the day. there isn't a smily big enough.
12:16 AM +

friday, august 4

•••    I was born at 6:17 am on august fourth, 1981.
for my birthday I promised myself I would give wockerjabby a minor overhaul.
more on both of those later. :)
1:09 AM +

•••    I watched the republican convention. I watched dubya's speech. you know what? it made no fucking sense. and none of the analysts had the guts to say so.

did you watch? did you listen? he went on and on about inclusive politics, about changing the party, but this is a convention that was orchestrated from start to finish. speakers had to submit their speeches for editing, and some people weren't even allowed to attend. did you see what jesse jackson was up to in chicago last week?

supposedly this speech is the one thing that most american people are going to use to figure what the republican platform is. I'm depressed. I'm depressed that voters aren't concerned enough to actually pay attention, but I'm more depressed that all the speechwriters are counting so much on our apathy that they sent bush up there with a bunch of outright contradictions. he was full of soundbites, all about american spirit and vision and crap, about improving education and knocking down walls between the rich and the poor, about giving money back to the people and cutting taxes. but you know what? it doesn't make sense. first of all, there is not a surplus, there is still a deficit. we don't have enough money to cut taxes and privatize social security and give vouchers for schools and launch defense satellites (they don't work!!! they don't work!!!). and what's worse, I think, is that none of that will do anything to help shrink the socioeconomic gap in this country. if you make schools locally funded and locally legislated, the poor schools will get worse and the rich schools will get more elite. if you make compliance with clean air acts voluntary, the rich big business heads will get richer skimping on environmental protection costs while they destroy the neighborhoods that the poor can't afford to get away from.

and also - watch out, here comes the starry-eyed idealist - I do not see how it can possibly be good or visionary or spirited if we are going to cut spending to things like nasa and the national science foundation so that more money can be poured into the military. I hate the idea of peace through defense shielding. bush went on at length about how the clinton administration wasted its chances by coasting along, but american politics have turned into a big contest to see who can best take advantage of our overwhelming complacency.

how cynical are politicians that they think they can feed us a bunch of hypocritical nonsense and think we're not going to notice? how am I supposed to feel inspired by this promise of great changes for america when I feel like I'm being vastly underestimated? come on people. don't vote for the guy because he's photogenic. don't vote for him because he says the things he knows everyone wants to hear. find out what he really
stands for before you decide what you think of his speech. please?
12:21 AM +

thursday, august 3

•••    there's something I don't get about the brain-tastebuds connection. it's been several years since I really ate any animal products (when you're around little kids as much as I am, it's impossible to avoid touching them from time to time). there is no longer anything appetizing about any sort of meat, even though I used to love fish. dairy products, on the other hand, still look tempting. I used to eat yogurt every day, even though I have despised cow's milk all my life. I loved stretchy, melty cheese. the only kind of coffee I would ever let near my mouth was coffee ice cream. I could eat more cheesecake in one sitting than anyone else I have ever known.

today I picked two little kids up from camp and walked them home. we bought soft serve ice cream from a truck. it was hot and humid, and of course the ice cream started melting and dripping and drooping everywhere. the younger one tipped her cone too far and the ice cream toppled off. superbabysittergirl that I am, I caught it before it could hit the ground (hey, my hands were clean!) and then there was nothing to do but lick my fingers. I almost couldn't do it. what's wrong with my brain that it still thinks ice cream looks delicious but then gears up my gag reflex when it actually comes near my tongue?

this might have something to do with evolution conflicting with habit, but you'd think I could be a little more adaptable, yes?
7:37 PM +

•••    little-known fact: I was almost named kalindi, which is a sanskrit name. I would have been called kali. (my mother says the _a_i pattern is just a coincidence, but I am skeptical.) kind of funny that with all these eastern names (rabi is arabic) flying around I still ended up with the very anglo-saxon name audrey stuck in the very front.

I'm not much of a kali, but I'm even less of an audrey, or even an audie (although I am odd, as the people on my school bus pointed out time and again when I was in kindergarten.) I was only halfway through first grade when I decided I wanted to be called rabi, which I have always considered my true first name in spite of the messy edits on my birth certificate. however, I still maintain that was more about embracing my oddity than avoiding it. rabi is a good name. even if most americans can't pronounce it.

(this will all become relevant soon. ;)
3:37 PM +

•••    I don't really look sick, I just feel sick. I guess that's sort of good, but I still think it would be much better the other way around.
2:21 PM +

•••    I re-read girl, interrupted this morning. I've never seen the movie, so I don't know exactly how they did it, but I have to say I don't understand how anyone ever came up with the thought that it could be made into a movie at all. the book is a series of short vignettes with no real sense of time or history - they're obviously not chronological, and they're so short that you have to invent a lot of the backstory on your own. reading the book is a sort of mental excersise in fill-in-the-blanks, but even after you get tired of inventing someone else's life you still don't really have any idea how most things happened. they just happened in little isolated bubbles, and the real point ends up being introspection about craziness, not events inspired by craziness.

I also have to wonder how different the book sounds to someone who isn't from cambridge, where susanna kaysen lives. I know where mclean hospital is; I've walked past it. I can picture everything she describes about cambridge and boston and belmont (and also new york city - I've seen the painting at the frick). I know what the social climate is like. if I didn't, all the things that bring the book out of some fuzzy philosophical world and into picturesque reality - harvard square, mass general, the airport, if you lived here you'd be home now - all those things would be just random words. I suppose that's the problem with memoirs and true stories.
12:35 PM +

•••    word spy lets you keep up on current sophisticate lingo. suddenly I feel like I should be slinking around a library in dark reading glasses.
12:23 AM +

wednesday, august 2

•••    my father seems to be annoyed with my today, and I honestly can't think of any reason why. :(
9:36 PM +

•••    the total running time of the cd that's in my stereo right now is 44:44 in eight tracks. that can't possibly be a coincidence, can it?
6:45 PM +

•••    these two have the potential to make the debates either the most boring or the most entertaining we've seen in a while. gore makes stuff up left and right, and bush is just plain incoherent half the time. they could have a good fight over who gets to be master of the obvious.

sometimes I think it's unfair of the press to make fun of politicians for the stupid things they say. after all, if I did that much public speaking I'm sure I would get caught mucking up my words now and then. my brain just doesn't work at the same speed as my mouth sometimes, and neither does anyone else's. but then I start to actually pay attention, I watch them talk, and I change my mind. gore may have some big-time personality deficiencies, but georgey dubya is a flipping idiot! and I'm related to people who are going to vote for him!
3:50 PM +

•••    I know where the missing antimatter went, but I'm not telling.

(newsblogger verdict: eh. too many scrollbars.)
12:35 PM +

•••    oy. I hope the introduction of newsblogger doesn't mean that everyone is going to be commenting on the same extraordinarily abridged news stories. I'm off to see what I can find in space science news.
12:29 PM +

•••    sluggy freelance is nifty. worship the comic. yep.
12:12 AM +

tuesday, august 1

•••    never never never let a guinea pig cage go for eleven days without being cleaned. it's cruel to the poor cavies and to the person who has to eventually deal with it. I think the person who was taking care of our pets just kept throwing new hay on top of the old stuff, because not only was the cage full of disgusting wet bedding, there wasn't any new stuff. I improvised with alfalfa. I just hope they don't eat themselves to death before I get to the pet store.

at least the piggies seem happier now. in fact, all of my little zoo seems happier now. animals are so easy to please - keep them clean, warm and fed and they reward you by being bright-eyed and button-cute for as long as they're alive. where did people get off evolving all these complicated emotions anyway? ;)
7:18 PM +

•••    I picked up a copy of tin star's 98 album thrill kisser today - really for only two reasons. one is that I like the first song on it. the other is that it's been on the shelf for years with the same price ($14.99, for a used copy of the deluxe special edition) and for some reason today that price had been cut to five dollars. none of my other cds have tin cases. I figured it was worth it for the novelty.

anyway, it has turned out to be a pleasant surprise. I haven't heard "head" in a couple years at least, but it still rocks like a lost lo-fi allstars song. there isn't a single cut on the whole disc that I instinctively skip, which is unusual for me and nearly-blind purchases. the lyrics are mostly inane, but that's okay. there isn't a single song on here that doesn't immediately smack of something else, but that's okay too. this is what is called accessible music. I'm surprised the group fell so far off the radio market radar. they're so damn sellable.
4:54 PM +

•••    I wish nasa would stop building big expensive airplanes and start building spacecraft that take astronauts to actual extraterrestrial destinations instead of just into orbit. we couldn't send a manned expedition to the moon if we wanted to right now.

the big telescopes are doing great, but it takes more than astrogeeks like me to keep public support and interest in space exploration up. humans landing on mars would give all the space programs a much-needed shot in the arm. they say there's not enough money, but funding is only going to decrease if the general public doesn't take more than just a casual interest in all that stuff that lies beyond our own atmosphere. to be honest, I've never wanted to be an astronaut, and I don't care about planets or stars nearly as much as I care about theoretical astrophysics, but right now I would rather see nasa work on pr than bigger smoother telescope mirrors. astronauts need to be explorers, not satellite delivery people.
2:52 PM +

•••    I usually end up getting sick after I fly thanks to icky recycled airplane air and my suppressed immune system, but I had sort of hoped I could avoid the germ invasion on the return trip. apparently not. I can't decide if the nasty cold wet new england weather is sympathizing or mocking me. ;)
11:34 AM +

•••    yikes. :( mulder would probably say this is some sort of supernatural bad omen, but of course he's not around now.
12:14 AM +

•••    it's cold in boston. I'm wearing my swat rugby sweatshirt for the first time in months. it feels good.
12:09 AM +

monday, july 31

•••    as promised, pictures of the rafting trip:

yes, that's me, making my "yaaa! big bad water, you don't scare me!" face.

we rafted down the arkansas river, on one of the most heavily traveled stretches of water in the united states. the water was low, which actually increased the class level of most of the rapids, because they required more technical navigation through rocks and whirlpools. this picture was taken at a class three drop called zoom flume. for a c3 it was pretty impressive - about ten seconds after this picture was taken, I was completely underwater.

the rapids on the arkansas are closer together but generally less dangerous than the rapids in the northeast where I went on my first rafting trips. all the thrills without the life-threatening spills. it was fun. the rafting company made a great impression on me with lunch; not only did I have no trouble filling my plate, but one of the guides gathered I was a vegan and secretly gave me half an avocado, because "good things come to those who don't eat animals."

after we got through the last rapids, our guide let my dad direct the boat. he was hilariously awful at it - within thirty seconds, we were stuck on a rock. he also managed to reverse the basic commands and kept telling us "left forward" when he really meant "right back" - eventually we started spinning like a helicopter propeller. it was all very amusing. ;)

in case you care what the rest of my family looks like in life jackets: big people and little people. (my brother and I are the cousin bookends on this side - I'm the oldest and he's the youngest.)
5:58 PM +

•••    ahahahaharrrr. :D
5:36 PM +

•••    initially I was pretty annoyed with the religion test. it told me I'm a unitarian universalist, followed closely by humanist. and my score for mainline/liberal protestant was an entire percentage point higher than atheist!

my mother's family is unitarian, and my father's is methodist. I was exposed to many different religions and other belief systems growing up, all from people with varying levels of devotion and conviction. (I even spent a whole year in bible school. the palm leaves on palm sunday were cool. I hated the rest.) I have, I suppose, lots of breadth but very little depth - but I do know that I am not a unitarian and I am certainly not any other sort of protestant. I am an atheist through and through (although I think most definitions of the word are either poorly framed or far too complicated), and I expected even a very simple test to be able to peg me as such.

I realized probably far later than I should have that the problem is less with the test's definitions than it is with mine. belonging to any particular religion implies a certain degree of mutual exclusivity; you can't be a lutheran and a quaker at the same time because the tenets of each have some diametrically opposing philosophies. however, being an atheist means exactly one thing to me: I do not believe in god(s). I don't think atheism is a religion or even something in place of religion. I do believe a lot of other things, about physics and metaphysics and people and society. I don't consider any of that religion-related, but the fact is that most religions do include beliefs of some sort beyond the status of deities and their sundry cohorts. an obvious example, and one that was included in the questionnaire, is homosexuality. for some people, it is a big bible-related deal, and so it was considered as a factor in determining an individual's dominant belief system. by indicating that I cared at all in any direction about homosexuality, I was telling the test that it was somehow related to my (lack of?) religion, even though I don't think that at all. I suppose I can't fault the test for not being able to read my mind.

on the other hand, saying that humanism is a religion is just silly. anyone can be a humanist. I wish more people defined themselves as humanists. we could all use the help.
(via glossomorphisms)
3:28 PM +

•••    how to summarize a nasa press release: bang! surprise!
2:13 PM +

•••    her. :)
(and with that, I have a new weblog to keep my eye on. besides, I'm a fan of anyone who describes himself as 5'13".)
2:07 PM +

•••    coming back to the internet after a week with little more than just email is very overwhelming. I'm not sure where to start...
1:51 PM +

•••    let's talk about my day with american airlines.

4:00 am, denver time - woke up.
5:00 - arrived at denver international airport. luggage checked. so far so good.
6:00 - at the very last minute, I was bumped to a 10:30 flight. spent four hours mucking around dia.
10:00 - flight delayed "momentarily" due to computer malfunction.
10:50 - airplane lifted off, scheduled to arrive at o'hare around 1:00 central time.
12:30 pm, chicago time - plane began circling above missouri; captain told us the weather in chicago was causing delays.
1:15 - plane no longer had enough gas to get to chicago.
2:00 - we took an incredibly turbulent and steep descent into indianapolis. I thought my eardrums were going to break.
2:30 - after we landed in indianapolis, the plane was met on the runway by a refueling truck.
3:15 - lifted off. again.
3:30 - after seven attempts, I finally got through on the plane phone to an american airlines rep in chicago. my original connecting flight was no longer on the monitors. my ticket number wasn't registering on the computers. where my luggage had gone was anybody's guess.
3:45 - after much teeth-gritting and hair-pulling, managed to reserve the last seat on the last flight from chicago to boston, scheduled to leave o'hare at 6:40.
4:00 - landed in chicago. o'hare was a mess. flights were being canceled left and right and there were throngs of angry people everywhere. the weather was cloudy at worst. scuttlebutt said the problems were really being caused by a work stoppage led by unhappy air traffic controllers.
4:30 - at this point, there were four flights scheduled to leave for boston, all of which had delays of several hours. mine was supposed to leave at 9:00. I got myself on the standby waitlist for two earlier flights.
5:00 - both standby flights were canceled.
5:22 - american airlines started asking for volunteers to fly out the next morning. there were no guarantees for any flights bound for the east coast.
complication numero uno - I have a 7:15 am reporting time at the hospital for a bilateral mri. if I miss it, I'm in a lot of trouble.
complication numero dos - all of my medicine was in my checked luggage that had left denver ten hours earlier. I take it twice a day. it doesn't do me any good if it's locked up at logan while I'm stuck in chicago.
I tried to explain all this to the people at the desk, without sounding too self-absorbed or insensitive to the rest of the passengers trying to get to boston. it wasn't easy, since I was essentially saying I needed to get home and I didn't care what they had to pull.
5:40 - called my mother back in denver to let her know the pets were going to need someone to take care of them for another evening, but only after I spent a few minutes telling the 1-800-collect guy that my name has never been, is not now, and never will be robin.
6:00 - commenced search for dinner. walked past an endless line of mcdonald's and deli shops and cinnabons.
6:30 - panda express! mmm, sticky white rice.
8:40 - our plane arrived from las vegas half an hour late. departure time pushed back to 9:15.
9:15 - boarded.
9:45 - takeoff! yay! there were stars above, lights below, clouds inbetween, and storms way in the distance flickering like lightning bugs.
12:30 am, boston time - we began our descent through the clouds on approach to logan, flying visually blind thanks to the weather.
12:45 - landing wheels skidded on the wet runway. pilot had difficulty aligning the jet with the terminal. blah blah. we sat around.
12:55 - miracle of miracles, the luggage was ready and waiting. of course, by this point the trains were no longer running, so I got into the longest taxi line I have ever seen.
1:20 - got a cab. traffic was a mess. what else is new, right?
1:40 - home. and only twelve hours later than I was supposed to arrive!
2:25 am, boston time - bed. three and a half hours of sleep is enough for tonight.
2:24 AM +

sunday, july 30

•••    internet access in airports sucks. I need to learn to type faster; my sessions keep ending before I can finish what I'm doing.

I was supposed to fly out of here at 6:15 to catch a 9:30 standby flight from chicago to boston. but, typically, the airline overbooked, so now I have a 10:20 flight to chicago, a one hour layover in o'hare, a flight that arrives in boston sometime around six tonight, and a five hundred dollar travel voucher. I don't know where I am possibly going to fly in the next year that will cost five hundred dollars - I would much rather they give me back the six hours of sleep I lost by getting up at four this morning to get to the airport on time. c'est la vie, I suppose. they also bumped my flight to chicago up to first class from coach. maybe I'm an idiot, but I really don't want to fly first class. I did it once before, when I was ten years old flying by myself from london to new york, and I felt ridiculous. the whole concept of first class bothers me - the back of the plane gets there just as fast as the front, so why drop an extra couple hundred dollars for leather seats (icky for a vegan like me), slightly less crappy food, and suckup flight attendants? I think they should get rid of it altogether. I'm not much of a capitalist, I know.

now I've ridden the train back and forth and gone to all the interesting concourse shops in the circus tent from hell that is the denver international airport. (I think it's supposed to look like mountains.) maybe it's time to go check out the red carpet lounge. after all, I am a first class customer. :P
10:08 AM +